Nurture: Emotion Coaching

Do you find yourself struggling with your child? Are they unwilling to listen? Do you find yourself losing your temper and saying things you wish you would not have said? 

             
Parents often forget that their children have feelings, and they desire to be understood. 

Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist. He and his wife Julie Gottman co-founded and lead a relationship company and therapist training titled The Gottman Institute. If we follow a few simple steps provided by Dr. John Gottman we can avoid some struggles and better control our tempers in moments of frustration within our relationships.

Dr. Gottman listed the steps to emotion coaching in an interview on his channel titled, "Emotional Health." He said, "the first step is really noticing kids' emotions, even smaller emotions, and considering an opportunity for teaching or getting close to the kid. The second is really helping the kid to feel understood, so being compassionate, validating the kid's emotion, really on communicating understanding of the emotion, helping the kid verbally label all the things the kid is feeling, and then you know helping the kid really understand the feelings, where the feelings come from? and then setting limits if there is misbehavior. But communicating that, even though it is misbehavior. Not all behavior is acceptable, all feelings and wishes are acceptable. And that sort of acceptance, and limit setting, and problem solving--if for example the emotion is sadness or fear, as opposed to anger and misbehavior—is very important and those steps we call emotion coaching."

Here are a few examples of how to validate your child's emotions:

Instead of this: "Stop crying about it. Who cares if you were embarrassed. You're bugging everyone with that crying." 
Try this: "I understand why you got embarrassed. I was not meaning to embarrass you. I am sorry you felt that way. Could you please come sit on my lap so I can give you love and help you calm down?
Instead of this: "I am tired of hearing you whine and complain about the food I made for dinner. I worked hard all day to make this, and you will eat it now." 
Try this: "I am sorry this meal does not sound appetizing to you. Even though you don't love this meal it is important that you eat so you don't go to bed hungry. I can make something you would like to have tomorrow. What is your favorite meal?" 
Instead of this: "I am sick of hearing you and your brother fight and punch each other. I don't care who started the fight. Get away from each other."
Try this: "Will you two please come here so we can talk about why you are upset and think becoming physical with each other is the best solution? I want to help you both understand each other and help you create a better solution besides getting physical."

As we make an effort to seek to understand our children's emotions and help guide them, we can stay calm and avoid saying things we later might regret. This may be a difficult transition in the way we speak to our children, but it will work wonders in helping us all.

Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that he was a parent before you were parents and that he has not relinquished his parental rights or interest in these little ones. Now, love them, take care of them. Fathers, control your tempers, now and in all the years to come. Mothers, control your voices, keep them down. Rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Take care of your little ones, welcome them into your homes and nurture and love them with all of your hearts." 

Similarly, Joseph F. Smith has said, "Now, this is the thought that I desire to express: Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! and prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. For your own sake, for the love that should exist between you and your boys-however wayward they might be, or one or the other might be, when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly; get them down and weep with them if necessary and get them to shed tears with you if possible. Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly toward you. Use no lash and no violence, but argue, or rather reason-approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned. With these means, if you cannot gain your boys and your girls, they will prove to be reprobate to you; and there will be no means left in the world by which you can win them to yourselves. But, get them to feel as you feel, have interest in the things in which you take interest, to love the gospel as you love it, to love one another as you love them; to love their parents as the parents love the children. You can't do it any other way. You can't do it by unkindness; you cannot do it by driving; our children are like we are; we couldn't be driven; we can't be driven now. We are like some other animals that we know of in the world You can coax them; you can lead them, by holding out inducements to them, and by speaking kindly to them, but you can't drive them; they won 't be driven. We won't be driven. Men are not in the habit of being driven; they are not made that way." 

When we learn to coach our children in their emotions it will help us stay calm with our emotions.  As we use the advice of The Gottman's and of our former prophets to guide our parenting efforts we will have more peace in our homes.

References:

You can find the full interview with Dr. John Gottman by clicking on this link: 
Emotional Health Interview 

Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine: Selections from the Sermons and Writings of Joseph F Smith, ed. John A. Widtsoe (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1939), 316. 

Gordon B. Hinckley, Salt Lake University Third Stake conference, 3 Nov. 1996; in Church News, 1 Mar. 1997, 2.